[ Abrasiveness becomes Ignis in a manner that proves no tact on his part, translates itself into the cruelty as shallow and inviolable as fear. Over the months, he's relinquished his patience for a very disingenuous look, calm when he isn't, whole when he isn't, but even that's ebbing away, leaving this caricature of self-control, nonchalance wasting thin. The offense of itā€” that he hadn't let himself be consumed by love, or that he'd turned away at the last second purely because of itā€” that betrays the abstraction in Ignis's face as it gives way to clear, disconcerted pain. ]
Because you were killing yourself.
[ Hate's understandable. Hate simplifies things, occludes the throat with no small amount of insults to hurl or defamations to curse. Noctis should've figured it out. He's always been smarter than most, more belligerent than mostā€” he'd hurt for a while, betrayed by his youth and his avoidant behavior around any problem that posed a risk, but he'd grow to spurn Ignis and find his happiness elsewhere, drowning out all the misery that came before in the affection of another.
But instead of fueling him with a noble vengeance, it ate into him, an unbridled devouring that shows its offense in the clamminess of his fingers, his eyes belligerent and sad. The heartbreak is there, hammering down, but none of the resolve to shake him off he'd expected, blinking open with a very absentminded hurt, like he'd grown used to it, acquainted himself to the scourge it posed on him, let it burn him with a conviction that was thoughtless at best, and devastating otherwise.
Ignis's fingers tremble where they're held to his face, grief and sinew and bewilderment all coalescing as one and the same. He shouldn't be able to detect the rattle in Noctis's jaw when it clicks around that mangled laugh, but he does, and it burns him, tooā€” all those months of loneliness condensing into the sheer inability to leave on his own terms, to waste away as he chose.
Like he could've stayed away. ]
What should I have done? Eloped with you at the cost of all else? Left your father ailing sick with what must've become of you? Placed what I wanted above countless others for my own sake?
[ Giving in wouldn't be so bad; he's not so magnanimous a person that the thought never struck and clawed its way in, even for a moment. But debilitating Noctis with promises made under duress, whisking him away from the obligation they were both born to serve was an evil he couldn't reconcile with. Even if Noctis resented him for this agonizing lack of resolveā€” endlessly, endlesslyā€” that would've come better than taking the Chosen away for the sake of his own interests. (Barely a child and already cursed; surely King Regis must have cried when the Crystal decided upon his son for its vessel, sealing his fate.)
Despondently, muscle memory fills in the blanks; holding Noctis today is just as deeply wounding as it'd been a year prior. Being with Noctis has never scattered his focus, only refined it; the only person who's ever mattered is the one standing before him. ]
[ Because you were killing yourself, he says, and Noctis softens before he knows it -- seeing the pain written on his face clear as day; as if he's shed one of his many masks along the way, reminding Noctis that he is evidently capable of great and deep emotion, after all. It's surprising all the same, Noctis expecting more of that disingenuity, the likes of which he had been privy to in the last days, weeks before it all imploded in their faces, setting them both of paths that served them little.
There's plenty Noctis should have figured out, chief of which is that love can be so easily turned to hate; when he may lay all the blame, the hurt and the rejection solely at Ignis' feet, spurning him as he could believe that he had been callously spurned. He could hurt Ignis the way he hurt him, but Noctis knows better than that, too.
He knows that at the end of the day, the pain is still lodged right there -- just in a different form and no less corrosive, no less unpalatable for it. Noctis would have hurt either way, and so would Ignis, and Noctis sees right through to the futility of hatred, cutting through the middleman, accepts the scourge like the lover that he no longer has, grown used to the heartbreak and the sheer, unadulterated agony of it because when you strip away all the excuses and scapegoats, all that's left is still the unrelenting devastation of love broken and bleeding.
Noctis has figured it out; he just went much farther with it, and in his love he still spares Ignis and he hates himself all the more for it. But all Ignis does is twist the knife, dragging muscle and sinew, severing even more of what little that keeps Noctis together, and he turns, batting his hand away. Whatever that had been softened is now hard, his jaw setting in anger, in grief. Ignis was never just his chamberlain; all his life he had been so much more than that, a fundamental part of Noctis that defies all conventional understanding, eclipsing and predominating the extent of Noctis' interpersonal relationships. He is so much more than a brother, a tutor, a friend. Ignis is partner and lover and soulmate, to extricate him is to kill a part of himself, and hasn't Noctis already tried it before? Hasn't Ignis?
Would giving in really have been so bad? ]
You weren't my chamberlain when you fucked me. [ His words, sharp enough to cut glass, and still it falls short of hate. ] When are you going to stop lying to yourself, Ignis? Did you think if you repeated that enough, it'll miraculously be true? We could have have figured out a middle ground my father could accept. You could have trusted me instead of doing whatever you thought was best.
[ It goes out of him, the subterfuge and the incising worries when Noctis sheds the last of his nuance for this brittle kind of almost-hate, paroxysms that never break all the way through, but still there, choleric and all-encompassing. It's familiar, by wonted habitualness; all he's seen of Noctis, months and months before, was his fury and his hurt, rising to his heels and begging for release from this pain, tell me how easy this is for you to do and I hope no one else falls in love with you. A sleeping, dormant sort of agony. Now it's externalized. Now it's fleshed out when Noctis bats his hand away, eyes flashing and impertinent, and it's more than despair, forlorn and waiting to be realized. Now he's roping him in, sending his frustration after him, and Ignis looks monstrous, still and quiet, like he's in the throes of tender understanding for what he's wrought. ]
Since I left, I haven't known what to do with myself.
[ That's a good place to start, like he's chosen this path; in many ways he has, forcing Noct's hand and stripping the ring he'd promised away to him. Is howling esoteric if it's never heard? Just some deep, wordless scream too deep to vocalize while he stares back, devoid of mirth or anger, worse off for it. Like this, he almost looks inhuman. But the wounds of it is in his eyes, so there's no hiding it. There hasn't been much use in hiding it for a long, long time now. ]
Continuing our relationship was an abuse of the promise I made when I began my life with you. You're more than I can bear to give up. What solace can that give every soul in Lucis if I've chosen you before the world?
[ And forgone all the rigors of a proper marriage and a proper wife and a proper nuclear family, when a whole hierarchy of power is at stake. Regis is hardly getting younger and he'd hate for a child to be born out of wedlock, but even worse still for a newborn infant with half of Noctis's genetic code readily given up like charity for the Crown like someone horribly unloved, a consigned life of duty with rumors of a more sordid past circulating. It's not the way to be; lives aren't so easily formed or replaced without repercussions, and weighing his own against Noctis, he knows that they aren't remotely equivalent. ]
I'd lost sight of the reason why your father entrusted me with you, why I could stay and live by your side. That's why I ended it.
[ Noctis looks so young. He's always been particularly immature for his age when not holding Prompto as the base standard, soft eyes and softer heart, even so gutted with frustration, and Ignis's hand drops down. This is why. He'd love him even like this, pained from the intensity, like it's defibrillating his viciously beating heartā€” stamping his pulse from him until it's dead in his ribcage. ]
I've become despicable, but I never stopped feeling for you. Most people want to see the one they love most safe and happy. I'm hardly an exception to the rule. You deserved more than I could grant you.
[ That's all. Ignis presses the frame of his glasses back up, blinks away the sting of wetness. He's not particularly given to crying; a year's gone by and he hasn't shed a tear. There's nothing to cry over, given the closest thing to King Regis's blessing, but he's as empty as he was before, reaching over the table to gently snap the magazine shut, bending down to retrieve the papers that've scattered to the floor, unable to look Noctis in the eye. ]
His Majesty mentioned that he'll no longer play a hand in your romantic engagements. You're free to do as you please.
[ Not knowing that to do with himself? Noctis thinks he's done pretty damn well, all things considered. He's followed his trajectory in Altissia, the golden Lucian boy that has the upper echelons of government enamored with him, poised, a high-flyer and talented, one of the brightest stars within the legislative arm. While Ignis thrives in Altissia, the darling of so many powerful men and women, Noctis is struggling to be the heir everyone looks for him to be. He means to say something cruel, but only swallows his words when the look in his eyes betray that near-inhuman visage of calm neutrality, a storm of agony too painful to overlook.
Good, he thinks viciously, his own chest twisting with the beginnings of a sympathy he hates himself for. Good, that at least he isn't spared the pain, that he can come to share at least a measure of what he feels, every damn day since the day Ignis stepped out of that door and left him behind. His rage is pain given purpose, an almost-hate that falls short of cold-blooded spite; and in return only churns and torments. He cannot look away from him, still hopelessly ensnared by Ignis and all that he still is to him, hollowed out for this love. Ignis is here now, and he's never been farther away, and he doesn't move when he shuts the magazine, picks up those papers. He doesn't miss the way he blinks more than he should -- and Noctis is intimately familiar with the mechanics of holding back tears that the sight of it paralyses him. How much deeper did his emotions run, wrenched ruthlessly behind the curtains for this unflappable pretense?
It's the next words that hurt more than help when the puzzle clicks back into place. Regis' message is why he's here -- his father had thought that Ignis being messenger could go some way towards mending what's been broken between them. ]
You don't get to decide what I deserve or what's best for me. [ He says at last, his voice almost shaking with anger unquelled, with all the understanding of what his dad's message means. What it could mean for the two of them. But they have problems not even the most blatant encouragement can smooth over -- Regis might no longer want to have a hand in Noctis' love life, but Ignis and Noctis have unwittingly discovered a schism between them all on their own that go beyond parental/royal consent. He takes a deep, slow breath, and fights hard not to scream. His grip tightens on the side of the table, and it's a wonder the wood hasn't cracked under the pressure. What is a proper marriage, a proper wife and a proper nuclear family worth when Ignis is the only one he wants? What is power worth when you give up all else to have it? ]
None of this is up to you. [ There's an edge to his words that continue to cut. ] You don't get to say you love me, and then leave because you think you're not enough. How is this happiness when I couldn't even stop loving you? Even now. Six, even fucking now. I want so much to hate you.
[ Some things are better left unsaid. Mildly, his hand stills where it's flung over each sheet fanned around the floor as the tirade starts. Noctis's dictations resemble every inch of imperialism, jaw working around condescension when it's really hurt thriving and well in him. Ignis's inclination is to pour another facade into the airā€” some drivel about another board room meeting or appointment like it ranks superlative over consoling Noctisā€” but he can't find the words. They were pried out of him in the same respect that hammers wrench out nails by their roots, not by their lacerating edges.
At the end, Ignis's height is his advantage, all of those inches he can stand above Noct, but he's below him now, knelt to scoop up reports. He's made to lower himself too quickly for finesse; thoughts stalled, mind stalled, hands a fixture of despair around the sheaf of papers.
Particularly, he can't blame Noctis for the anger crawling up the cavity of his chest, collateral damage harbored a year too long. It's fumigating the air, staining it, and he breathes it in, the ire, stopped dead in his tracks. Regret's got such a stench that lingers, all the heft and weight of a corpse to carry, a burden to shoulder.
How tired is he right now? Perhaps irreparably so, conflating failure for a chance to speak up, while Noctis's nails scrape at the wooden table, claw-like in his dereliction. Ignis left him in this state; taken the soft, gentle boy he loved and turned him into someone malevolent and prone to simmering bouts of outrage. Damnation, as it comes to him, is frighteningly human. ]
You're right. I was only meant to serve by your side. Nothing more.
[ Is it the beginning of compassion if he lies? If he should save Noctis from the trouble of proximity, the shallow grave for remorse he's dug out? So much of Ignis's life has been devoted to the intricacy of manipulation, and subterfuge, but he has neither at his disposal now. But that's just despondency at work, tricking itself into motion, out of fear of the unknown and what will come once this is over and through. There's nothing left to do. Years ago, he would've been afraid of this, losing his purpose and the last point of connection at his side.
Funny how things change. He knows better than this. Noctis was destined for greatness, but falls short of proper loathing. When he martyrs himself to self-abasement, Ignis's jaw steels until it's inimical in its rigidness. ]
You should hate me.
[ And if he needs another reason, he'll give him one freely. The realist in him knows how to conjure up a lasting wound, or cause a cataclysm when he stands, the papers promptly abandoned on the table, all of it wholly meaningless. The steps between aren't so long that he can't reach, incurring Noctis's hurt as his arms crisscross to wrap around him, curled up like a snake trying to obstruct the escape of its dying victim.
Capitulation, or egotism. That this arrogance holds just long enough to make a precedent for the wounds he's given him, the ones unseen, that have left him vulnerable to misery is horrible enough without acknowledging the rest of the evils he's done. Ignis's heart is hot in his chest, but his hands are cold. He hasn't touched the ceramic of the steaming mug againā€” hasn't grazed over Noctis's kindness as much as he's torn it to shreds, and his head bows, hands clung to Noct and up along his spinal cord, disabused of terror. There are worse things to dread than his own undoing. ]
Will you send me away?
[ Ignis closes his eyes from something akin to abject relief, or abject despair. ]
[ You should hate me, he says like Noctis hadn't tried, like he hadn't wanted with all his heart to do so, his pain and grief and confusion overwhelming, spilling over others and hurting them in his stead. Noctis wishes he could detest the way he cut him off and left without a word. It must be his own fault, surely, Noctis wakes up thinking so often, when the spot beside him is cold and Noctis still doesn't understand why Ignis had turned cold in a heartbeat, callously neutral in the face of hurt confusion, immovable in the face of heartbreak.
He still doesn't know why, and this might be the linchpin of the whole thing. Ignis left him with the ashes of what once was, having razed all that they've shared to the ground before Noctis even understood what was happening, devastation capped with trite platitudes, plucked from a lover's handbook of how to survive breakups. Or shake off a particularly pesky suitor. Even now, he wonders which one he is. End of the road, or dead weight? How had he not seen this? They could have done something, anything; it could have ended one hell of a lot better than this, and here Ignis is, silently absorbing his rage and his pain, and Noctis hates how he can't just claw into him, shred him the way he'd been shredded, hurt him all over again if not for the prince's own overdeveloped sense of empathy.
Ignis straightens up, and before Noctis realizes it his arms are around him, the warmth of him and the scent of his familiar cologne tipped with the saltwater breeze of Altissia and the worn leather of the car dispatched to take him home. Home. Ignis had scorched all that was left, is this still home for him? The answer to that dissipates in the unexpected warmth of his arms, and he's too paralysed to move, tucked once again in the familiar nook of his arms, pressed to the welcome crook of his shoulder.
His stomach churns, and he thinks he's going to be sick. ]
I tried. I can't, because I love you. [ He says, and it is no bold declaration of romance, only an acknowledgement of devastation wrought. It is dull, resigned; a malediction he cannot shed. His hands come hesitantly to his shoulders from below, digging into muscle as fingers curl and he wills himself not to cry. He is hollowed out and cold, the words damning when said aloud. ] You goddamn hypocrite.
[ And still I love you. He closes his eyes, silent tears burning through the fabric of his shirt as Noctis' grip threatens to break cloth to skin. Ignis' hands are cold, too, but they're splayed over his spine like they're fitting right into place, right there he belongs.
Welcome home. ] Do you want to be sent away? Answer me.
[ The boat ride, the trains, the long drive backā€” the year he spent letting Altissia stain his belongings with too much seawaterā€” might have just been a precursor to coming home. There wasn't going to be a quick fix. As it is, there's barely anything left to salvage, returning to Noctis's unarticulated pain and the misery of the washed-up dreams he'd left him with, engagements and feverish ambitions and the ring he never gave him, the same one that burns holes through his mind when he sleeps. If Noct kept it, he might have been consoled, but possession of it would've accrued too much hope, already carrying so much desperation in the cavity of his chest. Noct loved too fiercely; there'd never be an end to it if he'd left even a fraction of his love for Noctis to cosset and rope around his neck, or hang off some nightstand, or find the strength to cast it away, once and for all.
Better still that Ignis smashed the ring to pieces before Noct ever caught sight of it; he couldn't resent something he didn't even know transpired.
Alas. Instead he's noosed in this slow rupture of love, and the ring's not on Ignis right nowā€” he'd never be so fucking stupid after the first timeā€” he hasn't yet tossed away that last proof that he'd take the prince for himself if he could, cherishing him to the detriment of all else. It goes against everything he's been raised to be, to live at the behest of the people and support his king, but his Majesty had to expected this: devote his whole life to one person and the rest of his priorities skew with the distortion. Caring for Noctis made it that much worse to leave him behind, between the greater good and the evil of leaving him behind.
The prince clings to him, tearing irascibly along his back, scoring lines even with the deterrent of fabric. His tears are soaking through his shirt, and Ignis folds Noctis to him, inhaling along the soft crown of his head like remembrance. So many times he's cradled him, but he never loses the soft curve of his body even when he's abjectly ferocious, mumbling his epiphanies just above his clavicles. Yes, he's a hypocrite. Yes, he knows Noctis loves him beyond hate.
Ignis presses his mouth to the top of Noctis's head, incongruous to the fitful grip of his hands over the backbone, clutching at him. He hasn't ripped away, so he might never wrench away now, always trapped in this embrace, punished for something he doesn't understand. Ignis hasn't even explained himself properly. There's no point to it anymore, though. He's done with it all. Done with the departure, done with the subterfuge, done with Altissia and its churning sea and everything he's given up. ]
I belong with you. There's nothing else I want but you, Noct.
[ It didn't have to be affection between them. It would've been enough to see Noctis grow into kinghood, persevere beyond such an unfair burden displaced onto him, and triumph. To know his life hasn't been spent in vain, that his oldest and dearest friend could find some measure of happiness in succeeding against all the odds stacked against him. But now that he knows what love is, he can't do without it. He can't be the shepherd singing to the flock and the shores of his unhappiness anymore. Ignis won't throw himself off a cliff out of hopeless abandon, but he'll do selfishly worse for it, lips pressing tenderness into Noctis's hair. ]
[ His words a hopeless snarl, heated against his clavicle. Clasped in the impossible warmth of his embrace, Noctis finds his mooring within Ignis once again. His Majesty should have foreseen this, too; love readily given in return for devotion, muddying the waters and now, look how they drown in it. He's not immune to the cadence of Ignis' pain, threaded in the strain of his words, the unfettered longing that tightens around Noctis' neck. How is he to wrench away when this is perhaps the most honest thing that Ignis has ever uttered? The prodigal lover, called to return, and Noctis is still reckless with what remains of his own heart, because there only ever is Ignis, for better or worse.
He can feel it, the weight of his lips against the crown of his head, and he knows now that he will love him to his own ruination -- has it not now been so, when he's cradled like something precious and Noctis clings to him like he's the last remaining lifeline, opened up once again to him. There is so much they have yet to work through, layers upon layers of hurt to uncover and excise, but for the moment Ignis is enough for the maelstrom of hurt and confusion. His words calm the storm but bring little relief to the devastation wrought.
But maybe, right now, calm is enough. He denies none of Noctis' vicious accusations and only holds him, and all he wants is to know how to tread water with him instead of dragging him down into the depths. How do they begin to fix this, to mend them both? Noctis doesn't think of the future the way Ignis does, he cares little for the long, winding road ahead; why fret when it's bound to be at your door anyway? All that matters is now, here, the culmination of lost chances and slow ruptures and the agony of a love that refuses to die. ]
Do better, and keep me. [ His grip on him loosens, and he finally looks up at him with red-rimmed eyes and a stubborn willfulness, strength shored up for the sake of his own pride. There are so many things he wants to say, so much more he's stored deep down without an outlet, but Ignis is here where he belongs, and Noctis discards decorum and propriety and bitterness, scours away rage to find what still pulses underneath. His shepherd, and Noctis, promised to no one else.
He raises himself and presses his mouth to his, tentative and unsure; the first vestiges of forgiveness. The devastation will still be there when they look again. ]
[ He'd known this wasn't something Noctis could forgive him for. This was hardly anything he could get away with, for the crushing sense of loss or how it'd crippled him afterwards, left him with a phantom ache like there'd been something cut out of his side, and he could only mourn its absence. It wasn't a loss of agency; it wasn't that he hadn't believed in anything, but that he'd believed too much in his own fallibility. That there wasn't a way for it to function, when Noctis belonged to more than himself and Ignis, he'd seen himself loftier than the world, but far, far below decency. At the core of it all, it was a matter of rising to the occasion, or succumbing to it, and at a standstill, he'd chosen escape, and he has no well-meaning defense to justify the year he's spent apart from him. ]
I caused you so much trouble. I'm sorry, Noct. I know. I left you alone for far too long.
[ And Noctis cries a lot when he's alone, emotional to his own detriment. The maids used to take on matronly airs around him when he was a child, motherless and forlorn. His face would take up a certain dimming resignation when his father couldn't join him in the courtyard for soccer, kicking the ball between his feet. As his advisor, Ignis was well-aware Noct used to cower underneath the sheets during a lightning storm, and that sickness pulled the same from him, fever in his lungs and tears in his eyes. It wasn't always unhappyā€” sometimes he laughed to the point of tears, diaphanous and sweet, but most of it was frustration, leaving him absently tilting his head away. He must've cried in the room that used to be Ignis's after he'd left, sobbing and quiet.
Sadness was beneath the prince, but his eyes are angry and bruising with tears when he looks up, prideful, and Ignis doesn't pull away from the kiss, coercing Noct's mouth into another, then another. Again, until the tear streaks have wept into the space between their mouth, and coerced, he nudges up to press his mouth over each damp eyelid. ]
I love you.
[ Ignis takes up one of Noctis's fists as they've loosened, his fingers caressing his knuckles to open and expose the heart of his palm, face-up. Then he hangs his head low, temple against Noctis's shoulder, kissing at his fingers and the creases between, penitent. Never has he apologized like this, his soul distilled into lavishing attention on Noct, trying vainly to cure him of his grief. But then, he's never had to leave his purpose behind and grow accustomed to loss, so there's no use in hiding his grief. ]
[ Noctis could only stare when his lips press against the heart of his palm, branding it with an apology that impels forgiveness, stealing his breath and his anger -- contrition is a terrible thing, it smothers anger and silences hurt, and Noctis thinks of all the moments Ignis had been by his side; all the times he had been more companion than guide, brother than assistant. His company had been absolute, a time-tested truth to all the times his father had broken appointments and missed important dates, a genuine, treasured constant in the vicissitudes of royalty. His absence then had knocked his world off-kilter, taken away the sturdiest pillar of his life, and Noctis understands now the sheer worth of the man who stands before him, lips pressed against his hand in his single-minded desire to ameliorate grief, his temple resting against his shoulder.
Intimate, once again, for wholly different reasons this time.
His fingers curl and gently urges his face up to meet his. Enough crying -- he's shed enough tears; how embarrassing it must be for others to witness it, the ones he cannot help but shed in secret, the weight of his own emotions overwhelming, begging curation, discipline. He had been lonely all his life, lonelier still with Ignis on the other side of the world and too far from his reach, and with the tender coercion of Ignis' earlier kisses still burning on his lips, he shakes his head in silence and kisses him again, lips parted and inviting him in. More than his own pain, he senses Ignis' as well, a raw and wounded thing that needs mending, and the man is wont to rend himself to shreds in self-flagellation if Noctis lets him.
He doesn't know what to do next, only to hold him, his other hand coming to curl around the back of his neck, cradling him close. ]
I'm sorry I hurt you. [ He'd said callous, cruel things, and in the wake of his rage Noctis understands this. I hope no one else falls in love with you, he'd said once before, intended to cut -- and so many things now, one after another. Ignis takes them in some sort of penitence, and he feels guilt curled low in the pit of his stomach. ] How do we fix this? How do we fix us?
[ His longing predates his grief, so maybe it'd always turn out this way, trying to outrun the sort of yearning that could only be loosely defined, that defied explanation and belief. None of it's tactful or rehearsed when his heart's doing its damnedest to clamber right out of his chest and falling just short of brutalizing itself against his own ribs. Grief's a point of complication that won't subside, mirrored in Noctisā€” this snapshot of a boy with his hair in his eyes and his heart on his sleeve, saddened beyond repair. The frown's touching more than Noct's mouth, lunging in his fingers where he fits them over his cheekbone, and Ignis blinks again, the palm on his face scraping over his jaw and the shuddering locked therein in comparative benevolence.
Outrage might've absolved him; if Noctis lunged out with a vicious slew of anger on display, outrage for his own sake, he might've been able to disentangle, given the prince to sort out his arrival and each confession on the ground at his feet. But all his life, all he's known is Noct, so it shouldn't be all that shocking that the same is true in reverse, when he beats down at resignation instead of wallowing in its shape, pressing their mouths together. Missing him so much that he couldn't tamp down the sob.
When he comes away from it, speaking soft and savagely gutted, Ignis is bleakā€” eyes crazed and miserable with some nameless ache. It's never the wound that debilitates, but the pain that comes with it, so caustic to render him insensible, and there's no longer that blockade in his throat and stopping up his heart, a ripcord pulled and the rest of him spilling out, unhinged. ]
Nothing was worth losing you. [ And that's when his voice breaks into some corrosive, disjointed mess, rushing out in a flood. ] You tried to fight, and I drove you away. I convinced myself that was your choice, instead of mine, if only to let you go. I'd convinced myself that you were better off for it.
[ There's no fix-it solution, just the gaping wounds he's left, how raw and bruised and fragile Noctis is in his arms. There's no dignity to it, either, but he's past grace and subterfuge, arms pulled around him like the currents of a swirling tide. ]
Noctis. We can only do what we can and keep moving forward.
[ Keep pushing onward, like the past is already some distant star; the apology's a heavy and implicit thing, clawing up his throat even when the weight grows unbearable, and he's either tearing up in earnest or dying trying to find a solution for that agony bottled up in Noctis for so long. ]
The blame rests solely on me. I never considered your feelings, nor a future without you.
[ Keep pushing onward, because that's all they can bear to do right now -- that's the only thing that matters. Noctis needs time, he needs it to mend, and perhaps so does Ignis, who sounds so wrecked and destroyed that he cannot help but squeeze him tighter, as if he'd slip away if he lets go. He's never seen him like this, given over to bleakness, to grief, the hard set of his jaw and his eyes; when had he become like this, ever since Noctis has told him about his dad knowing? No, even before that, when reality had set in and Ignis had chosen to drive him away, carving out a piece of himself in the exchange.
Ignis had excised a part of himself along with Noctis, and the prince hadn't realized -- only having seen it as cruelty, the height of indifference and callousness, all other words from his mouth mere lip service in the absence of affection. It's nearly destroyed them, and there they are, bleeding and struggling to hold on, and there is no one free of blame.
Nothing was worth losing you, and Noctis feels his heart ache along with him, because there is nothing about this that's easy, when they're both hurting and Ignis understands this too late, his confessions spilling out one after another, and Noctis listens to all of it and loves him anyway, because there's nothing else to do but that.
They do what they can, and he is silent for a moment before he raises his head from where he'd pressed his cheek against his chest, listening to the beat of his heart the way he always had a lifetime ago, in his arms and languidly resting in quiet nights, never knowing that a day like this would come. Remaining tears, burning through the fabric of his shirt as he closes his eyes, and even in his apologies they find little reprieve.
But maybe this is enough. Maybe this is all they need to be able to move forward, and his hand comes to splay over his back in a bid to comfort Ignis, to swallow whole the sob his chamberlain couldn't hold back. They're both a mess, and Noctis abandons logic for emotion, and he grimaces against his chest, his heart -- once freely given over to him. ]
Don't do that again. Once is -- once is enough. For me, and for you. [ He's reaching up to cup his cheek despite himself, studying his face, how it seems to be chiseled from marble for all the severity his gaze now holds, as if h's divorced himself from his emotions for far too long and is only just beginning to come back around to them again. ] I don't think what's left of you can survive it.
[ Crushed to his chest, Noct's breath is cloying and uneven, hot on his chest with each shaky exhale, holding itself aloft. It's born out of a thousand altercations and Ignis has a thousand more in wait as he holds him thereā€” fever-warm with the contagion that's trying to climb out of his skin, the desperation trying to cast him off and come unwound, or wound him.
Noct cries into his shirt for a while, and Ignis's backbone digs against the table when he digs to support him, suppressing the worst of the tears that wreak havoc on him. First comes the trembling, then the unkindness of Noctis's hand reaching up for scrutiny, and he stays there, paralyzed, stung by his words and then the inexactness of the pain glimmering its way across. His eyelashes flicker for all they've clumped together, wet, and Ignis shakes his head, the movement near-imperceptible. ]
What's left of me is with you.
[ What's left of him is rattled and beyond any repairing, but that's how it is to be alive: the winsomeness of hurt and how it proves he's still standing even when Noct doesn't see the despicableness in him yet. He might never see it when he's like this, past the verge of tears, snared with pain.
And that's all, as his hand folds over the one trapping his cheek, folding in over the shudders cascading down the thin set of his fingers, sitting in his knuckles. ]
I don't wish to cause you anymore grief.
[ Outside, the raucousness comes backā€” a dog barking on the street, the sound of people loudly conversing on a balcony a few floors downā€” and he doesn't so much as pull away from Noctis as he turns to guide him, walking through a room that's so-little changed from his memory, from the furniture to the immaculate state of it, proof that Noct's gone on living without him, that he's entirely capable the way Ignis couldn't be in his absence. Sinking onto the couch, he affords Noctis the choice: to sit beside him or stand a ways away, remain close or keep his distance, when he trains his gaze on him, eyes red behind his glasses. ]
What have you been up to, as of late? I confess I haven't had much of a life outside of work, but I'm sure you must haveā€” questions, for me.
[ The long line of lovers, the minor scandals of politicians and their miserable affairs, how cruel he'd become in Noctis's absence (how much he's changed for the worse). ]
[ What's left of me is with you, and Ignis sounds like Noctis himself is the one that's cut out his heart and forcibly taken it with him even if he knew none of it. The hurt and pain is clear as day, and he feels his own chest ache with a familiar despair. It doesn't really mean anything, what he says next; that he didn't wish to cause him anymore grief, isn't it an iteration of what's been said before when he left?
Ignis, cold and callous, who had loved him so deeply and had left him so suddenly, and now he's back again and Noctis can't quite find it in himself to cast him aside. He can't, even in his most grievous of wounds it helps, just a little, to know that Ignis is hurting right along with him. There is no ready solution to this matter, and when the older man extricates himself gently, guiding him to the couch, Noctis takes the chance to sit beside him. He wipes his eyes carelessly with the back of his hand, his gaze catching on the red-rimmed ones behind Ignis' glasses.
So he's not immune too, after all -- no, isn't what this entire visit is all about? He takes a deep breath, uncertain of where to start, and too tired to stay angry with the one person he's loved so deeply for so long that his absence had taken away a precious part of him. So he mulls over what Ignis offers, and decides to ask, after all. He folds himself almost gracefully beside him on the couch, not quite looking at him, but not leaning away. He can't remember what he's been up to; for most part, he just didn't care. Work, school, training, and time with Prompto, and that had pretty much been it. Would Ignis be sad, knowing that? He doesn't know. Does Ignis know Noctis slept with Prompto, during a few desperate, lonely nights when he needed someone? How does he even mention that? ]
[ In an ideal world, he's never left Noctis. In a better one still, he's working with the assumption that he's never met him, never had the chance or opportunity to induce agony with the precision of taking a scalpel to his heart. Ignis might as well have mutilated him; Noct's hollowed-out now, crying in earnest, because they don't live in a world that's convenient or fair or excuses away an ounce of Ignis's blame in the matter.
It's only the difference of a year. Twelve months, and they've irreparably changed, for better and for worse. Ignis can't move when Noctis curls on the other side of the upholstery; the distance is mere inches, but it might as well be miles again, like he's in Altissia again, courting anyone who bore even a passing resemblance to the crown prince of Lucis. They're balanced on the precipice of cruelty, and by necessity, Ignis can choose one cruelty to offset another. ]
Would knowing the answer bring you any measure of relief?
[ He's a wretched man. By the same token, Ignis wouldn't question coming back to Noctis and Prompto splayed out on the foyer in various states of undress, after this; he doesn't have the right for anger after the facades, the duplicity, the misunderstanding. Another man would've broken down to explain the stupid, ugly truth of it, explain how he'd fled under the guise of Noct's best interests, explain how the engagement ring has burnt a hole into his mind, explain how he can't sleep anymore, knowing he'd wounded him irreparably. ]
Do you understand the kind of person I am now?
[ Even so. Even so. Does he want him to beg and grovel at his feet, a coward through and through? Does he want him to leave? ]
I've hidden things from you, even before. Were you aware of that? I never told you.
[ Feigning ignorance to the issue in the months preceding their break-up, even, displacing the rumors circulating through the court and taking foolish lengths to cover his tracks until he'd slipped, until news of their relationship reached even the king's ears. ]
[ His blood runs cold, racing back to the old days, the happier days. What could there possibly be that he lied to him about, that he never loved him at all? But no, that doesn't sound right. That's not true, is it? He stiffens, confused and wary, because his heart has been broken and he's still not entire sure where the pieces are.
And here he is, telling him that he's lied to him for a long time, casting aspersions on himself -- Ignis has always tended towards self-flagellating, ever chasing towards a perfect incarnation of himself that is never to be. Noctis finds himself understanding, to a point.
But this? This makes him tense even as he looks back at him, trying to grasp for straws. Has he ever loved him? Has he lied? ]
[ He's so far gone into this fear that pulling himself out of this rut might no longer be an option. Under the sway of chaos and spontaneity and the death of all that he's cherished, he's cut Noctis loose from him. Put to the test, Ignis can master showy words and courtesy and magnanimity, but there's no controlling fear as it goes errant. A distance that grows ever wider between them.
Ignis makes a soft noise at the back of his throatā€” a hum that's halfway to his own detriment, considering how strangled he sounds. All the scalded burns of Noctis's distrust flare up as he struggles to piece together the contradiction. His Majesty's in full form, even today, of all days. He's wonderful. It's unfair, trying to salvage something already sinking, but what else is there to do? Ignis is hard-pressed to do more than talk around the subject, but can't bear contention forced down upon his lungs and killing his resolve. ]
I always did like your eyes. I was impossibly fond of them.
[ As if he could come out and admit to love after first witnessed the phenomenon of them shining in the face of a boy who'd grow up to become king. ]
I should have told you so more often, back then.
[ If only he'd spoken more and more of his lasting fondness for his prince's heart, but he's been thoughtless and vain, selfish up to now, butchering a proper conversation for this messy avalanche of words. Noctis sits rigid in the expectation of the anvil to fall, and Ignis turns away at last, retreating to stand. ]
... No more lies. [ A truce, far too late to undo the damage. The shake of Ignis's head is near-imperceptible. ] It's best that we part ways for today. I'll be back to come collect the report tomorrow, if you'll allow it.
[ Or else it'll be Gladio's burden, fallen to his shoulders by necessity. He hasn't inquired the king of his substitute under his year-long tenure in Altissia, but nothing's been done to halt Noct's decline. ]
Then, if you'll pardon me.
[ And Ignis is turning aside already, heading for the entryway. Another minute left to his own devices and he'll be out, away from the precipice he's been walking, poised between something nameless and something terrifying. ]
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Because you were killing yourself.
[ Hate's understandable. Hate simplifies things, occludes the throat with no small amount of insults to hurl or defamations to curse. Noctis should've figured it out. He's always been smarter than most, more belligerent than mostā€” he'd hurt for a while, betrayed by his youth and his avoidant behavior around any problem that posed a risk, but he'd grow to spurn Ignis and find his happiness elsewhere, drowning out all the misery that came before in the affection of another.
But instead of fueling him with a noble vengeance, it ate into him, an unbridled devouring that shows its offense in the clamminess of his fingers, his eyes belligerent and sad. The heartbreak is there, hammering down, but none of the resolve to shake him off he'd expected, blinking open with a very absentminded hurt, like he'd grown used to it, acquainted himself to the scourge it posed on him, let it burn him with a conviction that was thoughtless at best, and devastating otherwise.
Ignis's fingers tremble where they're held to his face, grief and sinew and bewilderment all coalescing as one and the same. He shouldn't be able to detect the rattle in Noctis's jaw when it clicks around that mangled laugh, but he does, and it burns him, tooā€” all those months of loneliness condensing into the sheer inability to leave on his own terms, to waste away as he chose.
Like he could've stayed away. ]
What should I have done? Eloped with you at the cost of all else? Left your father ailing sick with what must've become of you? Placed what I wanted above countless others for my own sake?
[ Giving in wouldn't be so bad; he's not so magnanimous a person that the thought never struck and clawed its way in, even for a moment. But debilitating Noctis with promises made under duress, whisking him away from the obligation they were both born to serve was an evil he couldn't reconcile with. Even if Noctis resented him for this agonizing lack of resolveā€” endlessly, endlesslyā€” that would've come better than taking the Chosen away for the sake of his own interests. (Barely a child and already cursed; surely King Regis must have cried when the Crystal decided upon his son for its vessel, sealing his fate.)
Despondently, muscle memory fills in the blanks; holding Noctis today is just as deeply wounding as it'd been a year prior. Being with Noctis has never scattered his focus, only refined it; the only person who's ever mattered is the one standing before him. ]
I'm nothing more than your chamberlain.
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There's plenty Noctis should have figured out, chief of which is that love can be so easily turned to hate; when he may lay all the blame, the hurt and the rejection solely at Ignis' feet, spurning him as he could believe that he had been callously spurned. He could hurt Ignis the way he hurt him, but Noctis knows better than that, too.
He knows that at the end of the day, the pain is still lodged right there -- just in a different form and no less corrosive, no less unpalatable for it. Noctis would have hurt either way, and so would Ignis, and Noctis sees right through to the futility of hatred, cutting through the middleman, accepts the scourge like the lover that he no longer has, grown used to the heartbreak and the sheer, unadulterated agony of it because when you strip away all the excuses and scapegoats, all that's left is still the unrelenting devastation of love broken and bleeding.
Noctis has figured it out; he just went much farther with it, and in his love he still spares Ignis and he hates himself all the more for it. But all Ignis does is twist the knife, dragging muscle and sinew, severing even more of what little that keeps Noctis together, and he turns, batting his hand away. Whatever that had been softened is now hard, his jaw setting in anger, in grief. Ignis was never just his chamberlain; all his life he had been so much more than that, a fundamental part of Noctis that defies all conventional understanding, eclipsing and predominating the extent of Noctis' interpersonal relationships. He is so much more than a brother, a tutor, a friend. Ignis is partner and lover and soulmate, to extricate him is to kill a part of himself, and hasn't Noctis already tried it before? Hasn't Ignis?
Would giving in really have been so bad? ]
You weren't my chamberlain when you fucked me. [ His words, sharp enough to cut glass, and still it falls short of hate. ] When are you going to stop lying to yourself, Ignis? Did you think if you repeated that enough, it'll miraculously be true? We could have have figured out a middle ground my father could accept. You could have trusted me instead of doing whatever you thought was best.
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Since I left, I haven't known what to do with myself.
[ That's a good place to start, like he's chosen this path; in many ways he has, forcing Noct's hand and stripping the ring he'd promised away to him. Is howling esoteric if it's never heard? Just some deep, wordless scream too deep to vocalize while he stares back, devoid of mirth or anger, worse off for it. Like this, he almost looks inhuman. But the wounds of it is in his eyes, so there's no hiding it. There hasn't been much use in hiding it for a long, long time now. ]
Continuing our relationship was an abuse of the promise I made when I began my life with you. You're more than I can bear to give up. What solace can that give every soul in Lucis if I've chosen you before the world?
[ And forgone all the rigors of a proper marriage and a proper wife and a proper nuclear family, when a whole hierarchy of power is at stake. Regis is hardly getting younger and he'd hate for a child to be born out of wedlock, but even worse still for a newborn infant with half of Noctis's genetic code readily given up like charity for the Crown like someone horribly unloved, a consigned life of duty with rumors of a more sordid past circulating. It's not the way to be; lives aren't so easily formed or replaced without repercussions, and weighing his own against Noctis, he knows that they aren't remotely equivalent. ]
I'd lost sight of the reason why your father entrusted me with you, why I could stay and live by your side. That's why I ended it.
[ Noctis looks so young. He's always been particularly immature for his age when not holding Prompto as the base standard, soft eyes and softer heart, even so gutted with frustration, and Ignis's hand drops down. This is why. He'd love him even like this, pained from the intensity, like it's defibrillating his viciously beating heartā€” stamping his pulse from him until it's dead in his ribcage. ]
I've become despicable, but I never stopped feeling for you. Most people want to see the one they love most safe and happy. I'm hardly an exception to the rule. You deserved more than I could grant you.
[ That's all. Ignis presses the frame of his glasses back up, blinks away the sting of wetness. He's not particularly given to crying; a year's gone by and he hasn't shed a tear. There's nothing to cry over, given the closest thing to King Regis's blessing, but he's as empty as he was before, reaching over the table to gently snap the magazine shut, bending down to retrieve the papers that've scattered to the floor, unable to look Noctis in the eye. ]
His Majesty mentioned that he'll no longer play a hand in your romantic engagements. You're free to do as you please.
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Good, he thinks viciously, his own chest twisting with the beginnings of a sympathy he hates himself for. Good, that at least he isn't spared the pain, that he can come to share at least a measure of what he feels, every damn day since the day Ignis stepped out of that door and left him behind. His rage is pain given purpose, an almost-hate that falls short of cold-blooded spite; and in return only churns and torments. He cannot look away from him, still hopelessly ensnared by Ignis and all that he still is to him, hollowed out for this love. Ignis is here now, and he's never been farther away, and he doesn't move when he shuts the magazine, picks up those papers. He doesn't miss the way he blinks more than he should -- and Noctis is intimately familiar with the mechanics of holding back tears that the sight of it paralyses him. How much deeper did his emotions run, wrenched ruthlessly behind the curtains for this unflappable pretense?
It's the next words that hurt more than help when the puzzle clicks back into place. Regis' message is why he's here -- his father had thought that Ignis being messenger could go some way towards mending what's been broken between them. ]
You don't get to decide what I deserve or what's best for me. [ He says at last, his voice almost shaking with anger unquelled, with all the understanding of what his dad's message means. What it could mean for the two of them. But they have problems not even the most blatant encouragement can smooth over -- Regis might no longer want to have a hand in Noctis' love life, but Ignis and Noctis have unwittingly discovered a schism between them all on their own that go beyond parental/royal consent. He takes a deep, slow breath, and fights hard not to scream. His grip tightens on the side of the table, and it's a wonder the wood hasn't cracked under the pressure. What is a proper marriage, a proper wife and a proper nuclear family worth when Ignis is the only one he wants? What is power worth when you give up all else to have it? ]
None of this is up to you. [ There's an edge to his words that continue to cut. ] You don't get to say you love me, and then leave because you think you're not enough. How is this happiness when I couldn't even stop loving you? Even now. Six, even fucking now. I want so much to hate you.
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At the end, Ignis's height is his advantage, all of those inches he can stand above Noct, but he's below him now, knelt to scoop up reports. He's made to lower himself too quickly for finesse; thoughts stalled, mind stalled, hands a fixture of despair around the sheaf of papers.
Particularly, he can't blame Noctis for the anger crawling up the cavity of his chest, collateral damage harbored a year too long. It's fumigating the air, staining it, and he breathes it in, the ire, stopped dead in his tracks. Regret's got such a stench that lingers, all the heft and weight of a corpse to carry, a burden to shoulder.
How tired is he right now? Perhaps irreparably so, conflating failure for a chance to speak up, while Noctis's nails scrape at the wooden table, claw-like in his dereliction. Ignis left him in this state; taken the soft, gentle boy he loved and turned him into someone malevolent and prone to simmering bouts of outrage. Damnation, as it comes to him, is frighteningly human. ]
You're right. I was only meant to serve by your side. Nothing more.
[ Is it the beginning of compassion if he lies? If he should save Noctis from the trouble of proximity, the shallow grave for remorse he's dug out? So much of Ignis's life has been devoted to the intricacy of manipulation, and subterfuge, but he has neither at his disposal now. But that's just despondency at work, tricking itself into motion, out of fear of the unknown and what will come once this is over and through. There's nothing left to do. Years ago, he would've been afraid of this, losing his purpose and the last point of connection at his side.
Funny how things change. He knows better than this. Noctis was destined for greatness, but falls short of proper loathing. When he martyrs himself to self-abasement, Ignis's jaw steels until it's inimical in its rigidness. ]
You should hate me.
[ And if he needs another reason, he'll give him one freely. The realist in him knows how to conjure up a lasting wound, or cause a cataclysm when he stands, the papers promptly abandoned on the table, all of it wholly meaningless. The steps between aren't so long that he can't reach, incurring Noctis's hurt as his arms crisscross to wrap around him, curled up like a snake trying to obstruct the escape of its dying victim.
Capitulation, or egotism. That this arrogance holds just long enough to make a precedent for the wounds he's given him, the ones unseen, that have left him vulnerable to misery is horrible enough without acknowledging the rest of the evils he's done. Ignis's heart is hot in his chest, but his hands are cold. He hasn't touched the ceramic of the steaming mug againā€” hasn't grazed over Noctis's kindness as much as he's torn it to shreds, and his head bows, hands clung to Noct and up along his spinal cord, disabused of terror. There are worse things to dread than his own undoing. ]
Will you send me away?
[ Ignis closes his eyes from something akin to abject relief, or abject despair. ]
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He still doesn't know why, and this might be the linchpin of the whole thing. Ignis left him with the ashes of what once was, having razed all that they've shared to the ground before Noctis even understood what was happening, devastation capped with trite platitudes, plucked from a lover's handbook of how to survive breakups. Or shake off a particularly pesky suitor. Even now, he wonders which one he is. End of the road, or dead weight? How had he not seen this? They could have done something, anything; it could have ended one hell of a lot better than this, and here Ignis is, silently absorbing his rage and his pain, and Noctis hates how he can't just claw into him, shred him the way he'd been shredded, hurt him all over again if not for the prince's own overdeveloped sense of empathy.
Ignis straightens up, and before Noctis realizes it his arms are around him, the warmth of him and the scent of his familiar cologne tipped with the saltwater breeze of Altissia and the worn leather of the car dispatched to take him home. Home. Ignis had scorched all that was left, is this still home for him? The answer to that dissipates in the unexpected warmth of his arms, and he's too paralysed to move, tucked once again in the familiar nook of his arms, pressed to the welcome crook of his shoulder.
His stomach churns, and he thinks he's going to be sick. ]
I tried. I can't, because I love you. [ He says, and it is no bold declaration of romance, only an acknowledgement of devastation wrought. It is dull, resigned; a malediction he cannot shed. His hands come hesitantly to his shoulders from below, digging into muscle as fingers curl and he wills himself not to cry. He is hollowed out and cold, the words damning when said aloud. ] You goddamn hypocrite.
[ And still I love you. He closes his eyes, silent tears burning through the fabric of his shirt as Noctis' grip threatens to break cloth to skin. Ignis' hands are cold, too, but they're splayed over his spine like they're fitting right into place, right there he belongs.
Welcome home. ] Do you want to be sent away? Answer me.
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Better still that Ignis smashed the ring to pieces before Noct ever caught sight of it; he couldn't resent something he didn't even know transpired.
Alas. Instead he's noosed in this slow rupture of love, and the ring's not on Ignis right nowā€” he'd never be so fucking stupid after the first timeā€” he hasn't yet tossed away that last proof that he'd take the prince for himself if he could, cherishing him to the detriment of all else. It goes against everything he's been raised to be, to live at the behest of the people and support his king, but his Majesty had to expected this: devote his whole life to one person and the rest of his priorities skew with the distortion. Caring for Noctis made it that much worse to leave him behind, between the greater good and the evil of leaving him behind.
The prince clings to him, tearing irascibly along his back, scoring lines even with the deterrent of fabric. His tears are soaking through his shirt, and Ignis folds Noctis to him, inhaling along the soft crown of his head like remembrance. So many times he's cradled him, but he never loses the soft curve of his body even when he's abjectly ferocious, mumbling his epiphanies just above his clavicles. Yes, he's a hypocrite. Yes, he knows Noctis loves him beyond hate.
Ignis presses his mouth to the top of Noctis's head, incongruous to the fitful grip of his hands over the backbone, clutching at him. He hasn't ripped away, so he might never wrench away now, always trapped in this embrace, punished for something he doesn't understand. Ignis hasn't even explained himself properly. There's no point to it anymore, though. He's done with it all. Done with the departure, done with the subterfuge, done with Altissia and its churning sea and everything he's given up. ]
I belong with you. There's nothing else I want but you, Noct.
[ It didn't have to be affection between them. It would've been enough to see Noctis grow into kinghood, persevere beyond such an unfair burden displaced onto him, and triumph. To know his life hasn't been spent in vain, that his oldest and dearest friend could find some measure of happiness in succeeding against all the odds stacked against him. But now that he knows what love is, he can't do without it. He can't be the shepherd singing to the flock and the shores of his unhappiness anymore. Ignis won't throw himself off a cliff out of hopeless abandon, but he'll do selfishly worse for it, lips pressing tenderness into Noctis's hair. ]
I've only wanted you.
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[ His words a hopeless snarl, heated against his clavicle. Clasped in the impossible warmth of his embrace, Noctis finds his mooring within Ignis once again. His Majesty should have foreseen this, too; love readily given in return for devotion, muddying the waters and now, look how they drown in it. He's not immune to the cadence of Ignis' pain, threaded in the strain of his words, the unfettered longing that tightens around Noctis' neck. How is he to wrench away when this is perhaps the most honest thing that Ignis has ever uttered? The prodigal lover, called to return, and Noctis is still reckless with what remains of his own heart, because there only ever is Ignis, for better or worse.
He can feel it, the weight of his lips against the crown of his head, and he knows now that he will love him to his own ruination -- has it not now been so, when he's cradled like something precious and Noctis clings to him like he's the last remaining lifeline, opened up once again to him. There is so much they have yet to work through, layers upon layers of hurt to uncover and excise, but for the moment Ignis is enough for the maelstrom of hurt and confusion. His words calm the storm but bring little relief to the devastation wrought.
But maybe, right now, calm is enough. He denies none of Noctis' vicious accusations and only holds him, and all he wants is to know how to tread water with him instead of dragging him down into the depths. How do they begin to fix this, to mend them both? Noctis doesn't think of the future the way Ignis does, he cares little for the long, winding road ahead; why fret when it's bound to be at your door anyway? All that matters is now, here, the culmination of lost chances and slow ruptures and the agony of a love that refuses to die. ]
Do better, and keep me. [ His grip on him loosens, and he finally looks up at him with red-rimmed eyes and a stubborn willfulness, strength shored up for the sake of his own pride. There are so many things he wants to say, so much more he's stored deep down without an outlet, but Ignis is here where he belongs, and Noctis discards decorum and propriety and bitterness, scours away rage to find what still pulses underneath. His shepherd, and Noctis, promised to no one else.
He raises himself and presses his mouth to his, tentative and unsure; the first vestiges of forgiveness. The devastation will still be there when they look again. ]
no subject
I caused you so much trouble. I'm sorry, Noct. I know. I left you alone for far too long.
[ And Noctis cries a lot when he's alone, emotional to his own detriment. The maids used to take on matronly airs around him when he was a child, motherless and forlorn. His face would take up a certain dimming resignation when his father couldn't join him in the courtyard for soccer, kicking the ball between his feet. As his advisor, Ignis was well-aware Noct used to cower underneath the sheets during a lightning storm, and that sickness pulled the same from him, fever in his lungs and tears in his eyes. It wasn't always unhappyā€” sometimes he laughed to the point of tears, diaphanous and sweet, but most of it was frustration, leaving him absently tilting his head away. He must've cried in the room that used to be Ignis's after he'd left, sobbing and quiet.
Sadness was beneath the prince, but his eyes are angry and bruising with tears when he looks up, prideful, and Ignis doesn't pull away from the kiss, coercing Noct's mouth into another, then another. Again, until the tear streaks have wept into the space between their mouth, and coerced, he nudges up to press his mouth over each damp eyelid. ]
I love you.
[ Ignis takes up one of Noctis's fists as they've loosened, his fingers caressing his knuckles to open and expose the heart of his palm, face-up. Then he hangs his head low, temple against Noctis's shoulder, kissing at his fingers and the creases between, penitent. Never has he apologized like this, his soul distilled into lavishing attention on Noct, trying vainly to cure him of his grief. But then, he's never had to leave his purpose behind and grow accustomed to loss, so there's no use in hiding his grief. ]
I'm sorry. I could only love you.
no subject
Intimate, once again, for wholly different reasons this time.
His fingers curl and gently urges his face up to meet his. Enough crying -- he's shed enough tears; how embarrassing it must be for others to witness it, the ones he cannot help but shed in secret, the weight of his own emotions overwhelming, begging curation, discipline. He had been lonely all his life, lonelier still with Ignis on the other side of the world and too far from his reach, and with the tender coercion of Ignis' earlier kisses still burning on his lips, he shakes his head in silence and kisses him again, lips parted and inviting him in. More than his own pain, he senses Ignis' as well, a raw and wounded thing that needs mending, and the man is wont to rend himself to shreds in self-flagellation if Noctis lets him.
He doesn't know what to do next, only to hold him, his other hand coming to curl around the back of his neck, cradling him close. ]
I'm sorry I hurt you. [ He'd said callous, cruel things, and in the wake of his rage Noctis understands this. I hope no one else falls in love with you, he'd said once before, intended to cut -- and so many things now, one after another. Ignis takes them in some sort of penitence, and he feels guilt curled low in the pit of his stomach. ] How do we fix this? How do we fix us?
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Outrage might've absolved him; if Noctis lunged out with a vicious slew of anger on display, outrage for his own sake, he might've been able to disentangle, given the prince to sort out his arrival and each confession on the ground at his feet. But all his life, all he's known is Noct, so it shouldn't be all that shocking that the same is true in reverse, when he beats down at resignation instead of wallowing in its shape, pressing their mouths together. Missing him so much that he couldn't tamp down the sob.
When he comes away from it, speaking soft and savagely gutted, Ignis is bleakā€” eyes crazed and miserable with some nameless ache. It's never the wound that debilitates, but the pain that comes with it, so caustic to render him insensible, and there's no longer that blockade in his throat and stopping up his heart, a ripcord pulled and the rest of him spilling out, unhinged. ]
Nothing was worth losing you. [ And that's when his voice breaks into some corrosive, disjointed mess, rushing out in a flood. ] You tried to fight, and I drove you away. I convinced myself that was your choice, instead of mine, if only to let you go. I'd convinced myself that you were better off for it.
[ There's no fix-it solution, just the gaping wounds he's left, how raw and bruised and fragile Noctis is in his arms. There's no dignity to it, either, but he's past grace and subterfuge, arms pulled around him like the currents of a swirling tide. ]
Noctis. We can only do what we can and keep moving forward.
[ Keep pushing onward, like the past is already some distant star; the apology's a heavy and implicit thing, clawing up his throat even when the weight grows unbearable, and he's either tearing up in earnest or dying trying to find a solution for that agony bottled up in Noctis for so long. ]
The blame rests solely on me. I never considered your feelings, nor a future without you.
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Ignis had excised a part of himself along with Noctis, and the prince hadn't realized -- only having seen it as cruelty, the height of indifference and callousness, all other words from his mouth mere lip service in the absence of affection. It's nearly destroyed them, and there they are, bleeding and struggling to hold on, and there is no one free of blame.
Nothing was worth losing you, and Noctis feels his heart ache along with him, because there is nothing about this that's easy, when they're both hurting and Ignis understands this too late, his confessions spilling out one after another, and Noctis listens to all of it and loves him anyway, because there's nothing else to do but that.
They do what they can, and he is silent for a moment before he raises his head from where he'd pressed his cheek against his chest, listening to the beat of his heart the way he always had a lifetime ago, in his arms and languidly resting in quiet nights, never knowing that a day like this would come. Remaining tears, burning through the fabric of his shirt as he closes his eyes, and even in his apologies they find little reprieve.
But maybe this is enough. Maybe this is all they need to be able to move forward, and his hand comes to splay over his back in a bid to comfort Ignis, to swallow whole the sob his chamberlain couldn't hold back. They're both a mess, and Noctis abandons logic for emotion, and he grimaces against his chest, his heart -- once freely given over to him. ]
Don't do that again. Once is -- once is enough. For me, and for you. [ He's reaching up to cup his cheek despite himself, studying his face, how it seems to be chiseled from marble for all the severity his gaze now holds, as if h's divorced himself from his emotions for far too long and is only just beginning to come back around to them again. ] I don't think what's left of you can survive it.
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Noct cries into his shirt for a while, and Ignis's backbone digs against the table when he digs to support him, suppressing the worst of the tears that wreak havoc on him. First comes the trembling, then the unkindness of Noctis's hand reaching up for scrutiny, and he stays there, paralyzed, stung by his words and then the inexactness of the pain glimmering its way across. His eyelashes flicker for all they've clumped together, wet, and Ignis shakes his head, the movement near-imperceptible. ]
What's left of me is with you.
[ What's left of him is rattled and beyond any repairing, but that's how it is to be alive: the winsomeness of hurt and how it proves he's still standing even when Noct doesn't see the despicableness in him yet. He might never see it when he's like this, past the verge of tears, snared with pain.
And that's all, as his hand folds over the one trapping his cheek, folding in over the shudders cascading down the thin set of his fingers, sitting in his knuckles. ]
I don't wish to cause you anymore grief.
[ Outside, the raucousness comes backā€” a dog barking on the street, the sound of people loudly conversing on a balcony a few floors downā€” and he doesn't so much as pull away from Noctis as he turns to guide him, walking through a room that's so-little changed from his memory, from the furniture to the immaculate state of it, proof that Noct's gone on living without him, that he's entirely capable the way Ignis couldn't be in his absence. Sinking onto the couch, he affords Noctis the choice: to sit beside him or stand a ways away, remain close or keep his distance, when he trains his gaze on him, eyes red behind his glasses. ]
What have you been up to, as of late? I confess I haven't had much of a life outside of work, but I'm sure you must haveā€” questions, for me.
[ The long line of lovers, the minor scandals of politicians and their miserable affairs, how cruel he'd become in Noctis's absence (how much he's changed for the worse). ]
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Ignis, cold and callous, who had loved him so deeply and had left him so suddenly, and now he's back again and Noctis can't quite find it in himself to cast him aside. He can't, even in his most grievous of wounds it helps, just a little, to know that Ignis is hurting right along with him. There is no ready solution to this matter, and when the older man extricates himself gently, guiding him to the couch, Noctis takes the chance to sit beside him. He wipes his eyes carelessly with the back of his hand, his gaze catching on the red-rimmed ones behind Ignis' glasses.
So he's not immune too, after all -- no, isn't what this entire visit is all about? He takes a deep breath, uncertain of where to start, and too tired to stay angry with the one person he's loved so deeply for so long that his absence had taken away a precious part of him. So he mulls over what Ignis offers, and decides to ask, after all. He folds himself almost gracefully beside him on the couch, not quite looking at him, but not leaning away. He can't remember what he's been up to; for most part, he just didn't care. Work, school, training, and time with Prompto, and that had pretty much been it. Would Ignis be sad, knowing that? He doesn't know. Does Ignis know Noctis slept with Prompto, during a few desperate, lonely nights when he needed someone? How does he even mention that? ]
Where did you... find them? Your -- partners.
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It's only the difference of a year. Twelve months, and they've irreparably changed, for better and for worse. Ignis can't move when Noctis curls on the other side of the upholstery; the distance is mere inches, but it might as well be miles again, like he's in Altissia again, courting anyone who bore even a passing resemblance to the crown prince of Lucis. They're balanced on the precipice of cruelty, and by necessity, Ignis can choose one cruelty to offset another. ]
Would knowing the answer bring you any measure of relief?
[ He's a wretched man. By the same token, Ignis wouldn't question coming back to Noctis and Prompto splayed out on the foyer in various states of undress, after this; he doesn't have the right for anger after the facades, the duplicity, the misunderstanding. Another man would've broken down to explain the stupid, ugly truth of it, explain how he'd fled under the guise of Noct's best interests, explain how the engagement ring has burnt a hole into his mind, explain how he can't sleep anymore, knowing he'd wounded him irreparably. ]
Do you understand the kind of person I am now?
[ Even so. Even so. Does he want him to beg and grovel at his feet, a coward through and through? Does he want him to leave? ]
I've hidden things from you, even before. Were you aware of that? I never told you.
[ Feigning ignorance to the issue in the months preceding their break-up, even, displacing the rumors circulating through the court and taking foolish lengths to cover his tracks until he'd slipped, until news of their relationship reached even the king's ears. ]
I've lied to you for a long time.
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[ His blood runs cold, racing back to the old days, the happier days. What could there possibly be that he lied to him about, that he never loved him at all? But no, that doesn't sound right. That's not true, is it? He stiffens, confused and wary, because his heart has been broken and he's still not entire sure where the pieces are.
And here he is, telling him that he's lied to him for a long time, casting aspersions on himself -- Ignis has always tended towards self-flagellating, ever chasing towards a perfect incarnation of himself that is never to be. Noctis finds himself understanding, to a point.
But this? This makes him tense even as he looks back at him, trying to grasp for straws. Has he ever loved him? Has he lied? ]
No more lies, Ignis.
[ How much more will it hurt, this time? ]
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Ignis makes a soft noise at the back of his throatā€” a hum that's halfway to his own detriment, considering how strangled he sounds. All the scalded burns of Noctis's distrust flare up as he struggles to piece together the contradiction. His Majesty's in full form, even today, of all days. He's wonderful. It's unfair, trying to salvage something already sinking, but what else is there to do? Ignis is hard-pressed to do more than talk around the subject, but can't bear contention forced down upon his lungs and killing his resolve. ]
I always did like your eyes. I was impossibly fond of them.
[ As if he could come out and admit to love after first witnessed the phenomenon of them shining in the face of a boy who'd grow up to become king. ]
I should have told you so more often, back then.
[ If only he'd spoken more and more of his lasting fondness for his prince's heart, but he's been thoughtless and vain, selfish up to now, butchering a proper conversation for this messy avalanche of words. Noctis sits rigid in the expectation of the anvil to fall, and Ignis turns away at last, retreating to stand. ]
... No more lies. [ A truce, far too late to undo the damage. The shake of Ignis's head is near-imperceptible. ] It's best that we part ways for today. I'll be back to come collect the report tomorrow, if you'll allow it.
[ Or else it'll be Gladio's burden, fallen to his shoulders by necessity. He hasn't inquired the king of his substitute under his year-long tenure in Altissia, but nothing's been done to halt Noct's decline. ]
Then, if you'll pardon me.
[ And Ignis is turning aside already, heading for the entryway. Another minute left to his own devices and he'll be out, away from the precipice he's been walking, poised between something nameless and something terrifying. ]