nascere | LET'S PLAY {open post}

[ That's another thing he hasn't quite gotten used to. With Noctis nowhere near by, Ignis...didn't really cook. Everything he spent was paid for and he didn't come anywhere near excessive spending. His time was better spent doing other, more important things. Now that he's back, he wonders if that's something he'll pick up again for him.

Chopsticks in hand, he grabs one of the potstickers and neatly settles it on the plate as well. Why not. And, of course, a misstep. This...wasn't normal. At least, not what he'd meant by it. Ignis frowns at himself and takes a bite to buy a moment to think about how he wants to attack this.]

We've never really had a normal. I suppose I mean baseline normal, for a king and his chamberlain. It's simply meant as an escape option, if you need. That's all.

[ Noctis isn't anywhere as dignified when it comes to eating, digging into his box and taking a bite, then frowning when he discovers broccoli buried under the meat, when he picks out and lays onto Ignis' plate. But he's listening. He's trying to work out just what they are to each other, what they can be to each other. It's a long road to moving back to what they were again, but the idea of using the escape option just seems too much to bear. ]

We've been through that escape option. It didn't work.

[ He points out quietly. Haven't they tried that repeatedly? Noctis had demonstrated that he has no qualms about breaking all those rules -- he's not the one to keep to them, he can't. The truth is that Ignis is his biggest weakness, the one man who is the exception to so much, who tips him towards that dangerous line between love and obsession. It's not healthy, probably, but he doesn't care. ]

I'm assuming you have some thoughts of your own. [ He begins carefully, eyeing him over his food. ]

[ Of course. The familiarity of it is comforting enough all on its own. Ignis puts it on top of a bit of the sliced meat he has and then piles some rice onto it before using the meat like a little bag to hold it. He'll eat Noctis' vegetables this time, but he's making sure to add that smoothie to his breakfast later, because Noctis needs to eat some greenery. ]

I know.

[ Noctis could send him away if he needed to, though. Ignis is well-prepared for anything that might happen, and he has his own resources if for some reason Noctis decided that this was enough, here and now. He won't, of course. Ignis knows that right now, that's not really even in question, but if things go poorly, well. They've never had a fight that bad; he's hoping. ]

Part of me thinks I don't know how to properly have a relationship with you because I blur the lines of where my job ends and my partnership with you begins. I thought time away would help ease it, but I'm here, across from you now and it hasn't eased. It's just as much as before. And I -- worry that will make me unfit. To trust I make decisions based on the kingdom's needs and not my own with you. I worry about the same for you.

[ So Noctis was wrong -- this does have something to do with business, and his governing of the kingdom. Ignis is right, he's hit the nail on the head, and Noctis doesn't continue eating. This is an issue for them -- he's not stupid, he knows that he's compromised whenever he's with Ignis, that he lacks the ability to think straight whenever Ignis is concerned. The latest thing right here, that's proof enough, and he can't find it in himself to be defensive about it.

If Ignis has seen it, perhaps others are starting to, as well -- that the fastest and more sure way to the king is through Ignis and vice versa. It had been impossible to give Ignis up even for the sake of his kingdom and his people, but he doesn't mention it; he doesn't need to. In the end, Ignis had been the one to bite the bullet and walk away.

Even so, they're still here again. ]

You did. You walked away, remember? [ Noctis points that out neutrally. He'd said no to him, denied him any last comfort for the sake of his wife, of Lucis. ] And you came back here because Aranea made you. I'm not entirely worrled about your inability to make decisions based on the kingdom's neds.

[ Which leaves Noctis. He pauses. ] Unless we're talking about me.

[ In some way, it's relieving to know that it's unlikely that Octavia will ever be in much danger from those who would oppose them. If he were going to go after anyone, logically, he'd go after Luna, and then himself, Prompto and Gladiolus. Octavia was safe, most likely, from a great many threats because of Noctis' behavior but that wasn't exactly the reason that he'd done it, nor a reason to congratulate him. ]

I walked away because I couldn't trust myself to be objective.

[ Because he couldn't control himself and if he didn't start, he was going to make things worse. Logically, he knows that the fact he went away means he could have, but it was much harder to deny what he wanted when it was right in front of him. This was easier. ]

And I didn't -- Aranea didn't make me, Noctis. She may have orchestrate the timing, but I agreed to a year and she ensured that it wasn't extended any past that like some contracts were. I wanted to be here.

[ Nail on the head, as it goes. Ignis looks at him, not accusing, but...something. It's edged in disappointment. ]

I thought that leaving would allow you to move on and focus on her.

[ Noctis bristles a little despite himself, defensiveness stirring in spite of best intentions. Ignis is right -- what he said is painfully astute; in the back of his mind he had been aware a topic like this will come out soon. Ignis has always held him to a high standard, had expected better of him, pushing him to be a better person even if they had lapsed into so many bad habits together before. But seeing the disappointment edged in his eyes is something else entirely.

Also, the fact that he's here because he wanted to be. This is new, but it's good to know. Not that it'll make that much of a difference now, but that's not the point. The point of this evening, it seems, is the topic of Noctis' behavior. Now that the danger has mostly passed, the crisis well on its way away from them, it's time to come down to brass tacks and talk about the cause of all of this in the first place.

The cause being Noctis himself. He frowns, but he's not angry, not really. ] Sorry to disappoint.

[ Okay, so maybe he's a little angry. ]

[ Noctis clams up when he's upset, defensive sometimes. How many times has Ignis seen it - when he'd have a fight with his father and throw himself onto the couch and curl up, or when something else would go wrong and he didn't know how to deal with it. This is a better version, but still much the same.

Ignis keeps eating because it's hot and there's no sense wasting food; besides, he should before something gets said that makes him lose his appetite again, as with the croissant earlier. ]

Give me a proper response, Noct. [ Ignis blows on some of the noodles, giving Noctis an unimpressed look over the rim of his glasses, like that's the whole reason Noctis healed him - for disapproving looks. ] There's no point in mincing words. We've both proven we have questionable motives when one of us is concerned. It's absolutely something that needs to be spoken about going forward with me staying.

[ Ignis is calling him out on it now, and another thing that's changed, clearly, is the depth of his patience for Noctis' terrible habits. Which, of course, is entirely warranted. Despite being king, and despite being a little over thirty, there are still some less desirable traits that cling stubbornly; this trait being one of them. Really, he doesn't miss those unimpressed looks -- all right, maybe he does a little deep down inside. But he'll never admit it. At least he's here to do it to him, right?

But on to the more important thing: Noctis and his stubborn habit of ending up wrecking things for others to clean up. ]

You're right. [ He offers at last, because he wants to make an effort of this. Do something different, maybe -- be less of a spoiled child. He lifts his eyes to his nonetheless. ] You're the only one I've ever wanted, and that hasn't changed. I don't think it's ever going to change. [ Maybe Ignis had hoped for a better outcome, maybe he hadn't wanted this, but the truth remains is that it is what it is now. ] I tried, and all I could see was your face.

[ If they're both aware of it and he makes Gladiolus, Cor, and maybe Monica and Dustin aware of things as well, they'll probably be better off. Better, in that it will be less Ignis worrying that he's pushing things too far out of a fondness for Noctis, or not telling Noctis when his favoritism is too blatant. The more people aware the more can manage it, and make certain to help protect Noctis. ]

As flattering as that is, it's also proving to be problematic, to a point. The rumors are one thing - unsubstantiated, based around a few photos at a ring shot and circumstantial evidence aside from it. Now, add rumors to the fact that I showed up and the divorce proceedings were happening and rumors will grow but ultimately fade as we've seen.

[ A pause, here, because he needs to ensure Noctis fully understands what they're getting into. ]

If we do this, then we'll have to go to the public with it and we have to control the narrative in every aspect. Which means we would need to start thinking about dates. We'll have to politicize whatever we do, Noctis. If it graduates from an affair, then it does truly grow and it becomes something we have to manage.

[ Ten years ago, Noctis would have cringed, sulked, made even clearer his dislike for the politicking of the entire system. But he's older now, and hopefully a touch more mature about things. And he's accepted too, that his personal feelings on things didn't matter as much in the big picture, and as king, his personal life is fair game for gossip fodder and speculation.

Noctis knows this. He hates this, but he knows this. Ignis lays it out for him with a precision that is almost surgical, but he listens. A necessary evil, granted, but this was what he was signed up for the moment he was born.

Politicizing Ignis and their relationship, one that he so jealously guards and keeps away from common knowledge is an unpleasant truth. He sets aside his chopsticks for the moment, looking him over. ]

I draw the line at the press team popping up in our bedroom.

[ Our. A slip of the tongue -- but it's too late to take it back now. Nonetheless, he quickly pushes forward. ] What are you proposing?

I'm not proposing anything, specifically.

[ He's merely working through all of the angles, analyzing the situation that they're quickly about to find themselves in once the divorce is finalized in full and they move forward. He keeps thinking in abstracts, in ifs and maybes but the reality is that they're both too caught up in each other not to do this. It's just a matter of finding out if they can do this and maintain their positions as they are. ]

Indeed. I'd rather keep some things to the imagination.

[ Ignis takes a considering bite of another wonton, mulling over the response he wants to give. ]

It means we'll have to move slower than either of us would like, but it may be wise. We never really had time to take things at our own pace with everything going on. Maybe this is a second chance, as it seems like so many are.

Do you mean for us to document what we do and make periodic press releases out of it?

[ Ignis overthinks things. It's second nature for him, really -- and he's overthinking this too, or so Noctis thinks. But he supposes there's merit behind it when it turns out that the man is prepared for just about anything. He doesn't comment on that, because times like that, it's what they need.

He resumes eating, keeping a careful eye out for stray vegetables before nicking one of Ignis' potstickers. He's always loved those, but never really looked into getting a share for himself. ]

Second chances. [ He likes that. Octavia had given them both a second chance to make this right; he just doesn't know where to start. ] I don't mind us taking our time. I just want to know if we're planning to... showcase this or something.

I mean that we handle this very carefully as there's no room for error. If that means putting out press releases and ensuring that the press only talks about what we want them to talk about, then we'll need to be aware of that.

[ The potsticker theft doesn't go unnoticed, and Ignis carefully counts the remainder, making certain he doesn't take more than half so that Noctis has access to more if he wants them. They, at the very least, have some vegetable content. ]

One of many we've been afforded.

[ Through pure luck that Octavia was a better woman than Ignis could have hoped for. ]

I think it's likely. If we move too quickly in the public's opinion, you'll certainly face some sort of backlash; already, it's going to be...unpopular, that you've divorced the woman you married for a treaty and are seeing your adviser. There will be cries of nepotism at best.

[ Noctis looks down at the potstickers he's bitten into, chewing and frowning -- on the one hand deciding that the vegetable content is negligible enough to be magnanimously overlooked and on the other contemplating the truth of his words.

They've come so far, faced down so many trials and hardships and a marriage -- it would be stupid to ruin it. Not just for himself, but for Ignis as well; he would get the worse end of the deal media-wise. Octavia, too. And he can't have that. ]

So for the foreseeable future, I still hide you away like a secret. Are you okay with that?

[ Because the last time he tried something like that, Ignis went away for a year. ]

Noct...

[ Ignis hesitates openly, now. He hasn't been talking about keeping this secret; he's been talking about holding off. About doing this the right way, giving it time, trying not to rush into things.

Ignis dips one of the potstickers in to the ginger-soy sauce provided and then stills, pushing forward before he loses his ability to point it out right now. Hiding things won't make this better. ]

I'm suggesting that we don't do anything until the time is right. That I remain your adviser and chamberlain first.

[ The potsticker sits too long; when he withdraws, the insides fall out into the sauce and he sighs heavily, fetching that next. ]

[ Ah.

That. That's a whole new kettle of fish. Noctis looks surprised for a moment, and a part of him wants to protest, to push -- how can he stand to finally have him back and not do anything about it? How can he sit there so calmly and say something like that to him, like his feelings are a thing that can be turned off on a whim?

He can see the reasoning, it doesn't mean he likes it. ]

So when do you think the right time will be? Is it a unilateral decision or do I get a say in it this time?

I think it's a decision that we make in conjunction with the Council, with the various departments coordinating the release of information for the divorce.

[ He's gentle about it, but there's a firmness to his tone, here. Much as he wishes that they could leave this dinner table and go straight back to his room, there's political implications to keep in mind.

They might have a lot of friends here, but all it takes is one housekeeper to see them, or to see Noctis leaving Ignis' room or vice versa and to say something, then scandal. No, better they avoid that altogether. ]

A few months, most likely.

A few months.

[ He echoes. It's on the tip of his tongue to protest, to challenge that as long as no one sees, that's fine -- it's not like they haven't snuck around before. But he has a point. Noctis owes it to Octavia to make it right, whatever it is. He owes it to Ignis, even though he cannot help his irritation with him, and that unexpected little resentment, once raised, that cannot be quelled.

Ignis fields his catty response with a firm gentleness that Noctis knows he has to heed, but dislikes all the same, and he stabs his chopsticks what's left of his half of his potsticker. Just the idea of having so many people all up in what's supposed to be strictly private leaves him testy despite honourable intentions. He has to do this, there is no other choice. ]

Fine. [ He says at last. ] Do as you like.

[ It's an impossible situation in a lot of ways. It's not what either of them wanted. It's not what either of them anticipated, but maybe that was the problem. Ignis touches fingertips to his chest, stroking over the ring he still wears under his shirt like it's a worrystone and then turns his attention back to Noctis, watching him stab at his meal as if that'll fix things. ]

I'm doing this because it's the easiest option. Not because I like it.

[ Do as you like, as if Ignis isn't telling him this because they both need to know it, to work out another plan if something goes south. Ignis isn't the only one who will be held responsible here. ]

This is to protect you, Noctis, from the potential backlash.

Edited 2018-01-03 11:25 (UTC)

I know.

[ He says finally, after drawing out the silence. He knows. Ignis would always overthink, considering everything from all angles and then some, and Lucis and Noctis has been the better for it. But knowing what he can have and not being able to reach for it is frustrating.

He softens, looking at his mauled potsticker. No, the real problem lies much deeper, and it haunts them, a shadow underlying all their conversations, all that they are to each other. ] We've already lost so much time.

[ Eleven years and counting. ]

[ Ah. Yes, that's... a point. Ignis has thought it over himself, a dozen times. They'll have moments like this where they can justify meetings by Ignis' position. Maybe, if he notices that they're growing more frequently, he'll organize more meetings with the other two, too, just so it doesn't look too odd. ]

I know, Noct.

[ Ignis doesn't dare reach across the table but the temptation is entirely there. They have to draw new lines now; he has to draw new lines now, and he's not sure where physical contact falls. It's a slippery slope. ]

I won't be going anywhere this time, though, and neither will you.

You don't know that.

[ Assumptions like that are the quickest way to disappointment-- after all, hadn't he once thought that Ignis would never leave his side? Maybe the day will come when he will do it again when he decides that this is not he wants; and maybe it'll be sooner than he expects.

He finishes up the potsticker in silence, then the rice. It's a whole new game he has to learn now, and Noctis puts no stock in promises, not anymore. Finally, he adds. ]

Is that all you wanted to discuss?

Edited 2018-01-03 11:46 (UTC)

[ Oh.

Well. He deserves that, doesn't he. Ignis doesn't flinch, but for a moment his face goes that careful, crafted sort of blank that is so useful in politics. It's not quite a dig, but it's close enough and it's certainly merited given the state of things. Ignis inclines his head just a touch, pushing the rest of the potstickers over to Noctis while he finishes off his noodles. ]

I suppose that's fair. No, I think that's a fair summation of everything as it stands so far.

[ Noctis doesn't intend for it to be a dig, but it's what stays -- the uncertainty of his presence, of something that's broken between them that needs fixing. It's not Ignis' fault, not really. Or rather, it's both their faults, and it still hurts. When is the next time Ignis decides that this isn't what he wants, and makes to leave with Aranea for good?

He doesn't touch the potstickers, and nudges the plate back towards him. He's not looking to push Ignis into anything -- he's fine with keeping the status quo for now, but it's difficult to look at him and not wonder when he will slip from his grasp again, Noctis entirely powerless to stop him. Love isn't enough. Noctis isn't enough. ]

We're not okay, are we?

[ In a lot of ways, this isn't either of their faults; they're a slave to the system they've helped craft. Noctis was always going to have to marry someone if the situation arose and Ignis was never going to be able to watch him with someone else and know the best he could have was a relationship in the shadows. Still, he'd never expected it to turn out like this.

The plate is pushed back and Ignis resists the urge to sigh; his appetite is mostly sated, but more than anything else, he's tired. The idea of saying screw everything, the rules, propriety, everything and asking Noctis to come to bed with him -- to sleep, to wake up to him in the morning, is so tempting. He can't, but he's missed that so much that sleeping alone in his bed is still awful, unfamiliar. ]

No. I'm afraid we're not. [ Ignis' voice softens further and he reaches for his own drink but doesn't drink it. Instead, he twists it in circles, spreading the condensation. ] But I hope we will be.

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ring SHOP phone pls

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